Help my teammate has a crush
by wyteeth
Summary: Mitsuki can't hide his shame and disgust enough from the way his idiotic teammate just so happened to develop a nonsensical crush on his parent. It's hell. Crack AU.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Orochimaru is basically a MILF in my AU of the new Boruto series lol.**

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"For all intents and purposes, I am Mitsuki-chan's mother." Orochimaru states with his own brand of flawless disinterest.

"B-but, how, if I may ask, Orochimaru-san?" Sakura manages to ask after gathering herself from the implications of the situation at hand.

"Well, a mother can be defined as the parent who brought the child into the world, no? If gender is tossed aside momentarily, I am most definitely the mother not only because of that but because I also play the role of nurturing and guidance." The others shift uncomfortably as Orochimaru explains his reasoning, no one daring to retort back nor willing to ask just _how_ he had brought a child into the world.

Despite the cold atmosphere lingering around their small circle of conversation, various adults and children mill about the outside courtyard, enjoying the day's festivities for the occasion called "Parent's Day": a day for parents to gather with their children and essentially make up an excuse to throw a large barbecue party. The Seventh Hokage and his family were there as well as his former teammates' family among many others though it was quite a surprise, to put it lightly, to see the semi-pardoned Sannin join in.

When Boruto had asked his father to extend the invitation to Mitsuki and his parent, he had been hesitant at first, unsure if the past grudges from the war and even before that had faded enough to allow a man of Orochimaru's reputation around Konoha's families. The smaller blonde had assured him, with vigorous pleading, that it wasn't fair to leave his friend out especially when his father knew what it was like to be part of the ostracized. So Naruto had allowed it, only hoping for the best.

"Mitsuki-kun is very bright for his age," Konohamaru adds in, hoping to diffuse the awkward tension, "He's usually optimistic even during hard times. You've raised him very well, Orochimaru-san."

"I'm glad to hear that he hasn't taken after his older brother's rebellious streak. Though Mistuki-chan's still a growing boy, only time will tell just how effective my parenting skills prove to be." The Sannin smiles languidly as he humbly accepts the compliment.

Naruto finally speaks up at the mention of another child, "Eh? You have an older son?"

"Yes, his name is Rogu. Unfortunately, he's had a prior arrangement thus was unable to attend today." To highlight his elder son's missing presence, Orochimaru pulls out a small photo of his family.

On the photo is Orochimaru with a more casual yukata and a loose braid with Mitsuki on his left posing a peace sign and Rogu on the right with his arms crossed and a serious expression. The crowd that sees the picture note the strong difference in personalities between the two boys just from a photo though they both share eerily similar looks.

Just before someone can ask just why they had silver-blue hair instead of their parent's black, the child on the left of the photo flings himself onto Orochimaru's side. The now-attached child drags his parent over to where his teammates are mulling about.

"Orochimaru, I want to show you my teammates!" Mitsuki yells excitedly, his eyes slanting closed as he smiles up at his parent.

"This is Uzumaki Boruto and Uchiha Sarada. They're only small fishes in the ninja world but they've got great potential." The boy says as he still clings onto Orochimaru, both ignoring the ungrateful murmurs of retort to being called 'small fishes'.

"Ah, I've heard a lot about the both of you from my son and your parents. It's a pleasure to finally meet you both." Orochimaru smiles down at the two other children before him as he puts a light arm around his son.

"It's nice meeting you too, Orochimaru-san." Sarada adds politely, skillfully hiding her discomfort at being around a man who had once targeted her father.

After noticing the silent gawking from his blonde teammate, Mitsuki yells out, "Ahem! Mr. Hokage's Son, anything you wanna say?"

Boruto roughly shakes his head out of his daze, though the stars that twinkle comically in his eyes as he stares at Orochimaru are apparent, "O-oh, yeah! I'm Uzumaki Boruto and I'm gonna surpass my father someday, ya know!"

"Oh my," Orochimaru lifts a hand to his mouth to hide his amusement, "Are you planning to become Hokage as well, Boruto-kun?"

Seeing that he's made the long haired man laugh, Boruto produces a light flush on his cheeks and barks out a laugh as well, "Nah, that's Sarada's dream. I just want to be better than my old man, not the Hokage or an official title like that."

"Well, then I wish you luck on your journey and that you show the same stubborn potential as you did your father." Orochimaru says warmly, removing the hand around his face to gently pat Boruto on the head.

If the stars in his eyes could shine any brighter, the whole courtyard would be blinded. Seeing his teammate's obvious growing infatuation with his parent, Mitsuki jumps in between the two to diffuse the situation.

"Hey, didn't you want to go see the puppet booth with your little sister? It's starting soon, Boruto." Mitsuki snips out with his arms crossed.

"You're right! I gotta go guys, and, um, Orochimaru-san?" Boruto asks shyly.

"Hm?"

"Ihopetoseeyouagainaroundthevillage!" The blonde boy yells out in a string of words before dashing out towards the small stage in the center.

The dust that picks up behind Boruto leaves a short beat of silence between the remaining people before Sarada interrupts with, "Huh. So Orochimaru-san is that guy's first crush."

"Gross." Mitsuki rolls his eyes.

"Perhaps this development would be interesting to see," said first crush states, turning his head towards the blonde head in the distance, "Though I do worry what his parents will think..."

The words trail off quietly just as Orochimaru leaves the courtyard quietly; Mitsuki can tell his parent is gone by the absence of his coil-like chakra and trusts that he will see both his parent and brother later tonight in their home. Despite the voice in the back of his head telling him that he should ask his parent further about what his worry meant, the silver haired boy is soon preoccupied with the festivities of the day to do so. Hopefully, it doesn't come back to bite him in the ass.

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 **A/N: Haha I must've been _wayyy outta_ my mind when I pulled this shit out of my ass. Nonetheless, tell me if you want to see a continuation!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I've literally watched only 2% of the Boruto episodes. And all 2% consisted of just fight scenes from youtube…with that, please excuse any consistencies.**

 _Last time on_ Help my teammate has a crush, _there was a bbq party, Team 7 wondered how Orochimaru birthed a child, and Boruto met the love of his life._

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Boruto bit back a huff as he reigned in his need for a bathroom break. His neck ached, the sun had set over an hour ago, and his mission was looking grim.

Orichimaru had not left his home even once today.

The blonde knows this because he had hidden himself on the roof of a building overlooking the humble home below, gaining a vantage point of both the front door and the small backyard. He had only found Orochimaru's house because he had walked Mistuki back to his front door with the excuse of being able to see more of the village.

"What are you doing?" Came a voice behind him, effectively startling the blonde and causing him to drop his binoculars onto the street below. An angry yelp quickly followed suit.

"M-Mitsuki! Weren't you in your bedroom just now?" Boruto stuttered out, only having seen the other boy's silhouette in the window moments ago, "I mean, not that I would know, or anything. I'd be in my bedroom right now, too, ya know."

A single pale blue brow arches in response, "So, why aren't you? In your bedroom, in your _house,_ right now?"

"Um." Boruto replied smartly.

From down below, Orochimaru steps out of the front door, "Mitsuki!~ Dinner's done, so go find your brother!"

"Oka—ay!" Mistuki yells back in a sing-song voice, doing a complete 180 flip from his tone with Boruto.

Speaking of the Uzumaki, he was currently gawking at his parent, leaning over the railing as Orochimaru waves at him. Seeing an opening, Mistuki shoves the sole of his foot on his friend's well-deserving bum and watches as he plunges below.

Jumping down, he lands on the heap of his friend—earning a sharp 'oof' from the other boy—and smiles at his parent before going off to find his older brother.

"My, Mitsuki plays a bit rough with his friends, huh?" Orochimaru says as way of greeting, watching the blonde boy uncrumple himself to stand.

"Mitsuki, that damn basta- Ah, uh…Just goes to show that we're really good friends, Orochimaru-san!" Boruto saves himself, offering a shy smile at the older Sannin.

Boruto fought to keep the blush off his cheeks, though failing as he sees Orochimaru fully in front of him wearing an apron with a loose, messy bun. (Wait, did those stray strands around his neck just hiss?) Besides that, there seemed to be an air of sparkles and roses around the older man's aura that had to be some type of genjutsu.

"Hmm. Since you are here, would you like to stay for dinner? Though I wonder if your father would be agreeable with this." The Sannin crosses his arms in thought though the decision had been quickly and hastily made.

"Of course! I can definitely stay! For dinner I mean." Boruto practically yipped out, his fists rising and clenching in determination.

"Wonderful. I'll let one of the ANBU know to contact your father." Before Boruto could ask how Orochimaru planned on contacting one of the members of the most elite class of shinobi, the Sannin rolled up a sleeve and tugged on the large metal bracelet. A puff of smoke appeared immediately, and along with it, a masked nin.

"Be a dear and let the Hokage know that Boruto-kun will be staying over for dinner. I'll make sure he's home by 9. Thank you." The snake summoner orders politely at the ANBU op, giving a little wave as a dismissal, "Now let's get you inside and situated, hm?"

The masked nin was helpless to do anything but stand there as the front door slammed closed in front of them. The Hokage's son barely objected at being ushered in the Sannin's home and suddenly the ANBU felt a small headache form as they realize they'd been relegated as a mere errand boy.

It'd be _fun_ , they said.

You get to be the sole protector of Konoha against Orochimaru, the feared Sannin who had killed the Third Hokage, literally summoned the dead, and taught Uchiha Sasuke, they said.

An audible sigh emitted from behind the mask, the nin poofing away to see the Seventh.

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A/N: I usually write a chapter over a span of a few days (I know what you're thinking, wtf? It takes wyteeth that long just to type out 1k words?) and during that time I watched some more Boruto clips with Orochimaru in them. Apparently, the old snake still has a hideout? And he worked with Rogu to trick Mitsuki into coaxing out his sage form? Anyways, I hyper focused on the way Oro called them his "perfect children who he cannot help but love" so I translated that to him being very domestic in this AU. Also, I've taken liberties with the way he's able to roam about the village and that is by wearing a chakra dampening (cancelling?) bracelet which alerts ANBU to if he tries to use chakra, attacks someone, tries to remove it, etc…


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